Last night my mom and I went Christmas shopping. Incidentally, we didn’t get home until 11:59 pm. But that is neither here nor there. I can’t reveal anything that we got as of yet, because the information is classified. The untimely leak of the identity of certain objects could compromise agents in our field. Therefore, my lips are sealed on those matters.
However, I can say that Half-Price Books was among the stores we went to. While there, my eyes happened to fall upon a package of “Pirates of the Caribbean” markers. This would not usually catch my attention. But this package proudly proclaimed in bold letters that these were no ordinary character-themed markers. These were “A set of four Jack Sparrow scented markers!”
Now, I really like Pirates of the Caribbean. I have watched all three movies several times, I can do passable imitations of all the characters from Tia Dalma to Barbossa to Captain Jack himself. I have forced my dad to watch the movies, and got him to admit that they are pretty funny. Even my mom says that they are “stupidity, but very amusing stupidity.” From her, speaking about a Disney movie, that is very high praise.
Anyway, back to my story. I saw this package of markers. I read the front of the label. I got excited. This was not the usual attempt to squeeze a few more bucks out of the POTC franchise! This actually showed some sense of humor and creativity! These were Captain Jack Sparrow scented markers – what hilarious idea! I eagerly turned over the package to read more.
This is what my outraged eyes saw:
“Flavors: Cherry, Lemon, Grape, and Watermelon.”
NEVER in his entire LIFE has Captain Jack smelled like any of those things! What idiocy! What blatant commercialism! Did the person thinking of this in his office somewhere have the slightest clue what he was doing? Did he even have any knowledge of the person whose name he was so recklessly throwing around? I think not!
Now if I were making a set of Captain Jack Sparrow scented markers, I would do a much better job. The package would read something like this:
“Finally, a set of scented markers that REALLY smell like Jack! Package includes four realistically scented markers: Blood, Sweat, Saltwater, and Paprika.”
Now if only some agent from Disney reads this, then maybe I have a job…